Respectfully submitted to the President: a list of "whose ass to kick."
1. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Iranian president and Holocaust denier who continues to move his country closer to nuclear weapons even under a whither hail of stern, stern UN warnings.
2. Hamas. Recognized as a terrorist organization by the United States, the EU, Japan and Canada; and looks to the obliteration of Israel.
3. Vice President Joe Biden. Also known as Uncle Mouth and Joe Who?? Semi-covert politician who, similar to groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, emerges into public view once a year. In the open, Biden either says something stupid, in which case he is immediately sent away; or says something completely incoherent and is allowed to continue explaining himself to reporters for six more weeks.
4. Kim Jong-il. Supreme Leader of North Korea, another dictator looking to throw nuke weight around. Routinely flaunts sanctions and threats; recently sank a South Korean warship while the world tsk-tsks and wonders why Someone doesn't Do Something.
5. Ken Salazar. Secretary of the Interior who did little to correct Bush-era deficiencies in his own agency's governance and oversight of deepwater oil rigs, then fiddled and blustered for weeks after the disaster began.
6. James Cameron. Legendary film maker and tease, got America thinking that taking pictures of the dead wreck of the Titanic, creating CGI avatars that fly, and stopping a several thousand psi oil leak a mile under the sea are all equally feasible.
7. Himself. Because the buck always stops with him, not Tony Hayward.